Each day brings choices

I wake up and lay still with my eyes closed until the world stops spinning.   Sit up very slowly so it does not start again; and so the day begins. 

It is different for all of us . . .

Each day when I wake up I make a choice – am I going to make the best of the day I have been given, or am I going to focus on the negative.  Trust me when I say there are days that I focus on the negative – those days are so long and so hard and it makes me miserable. 

Here is a little look at the days I decide to try and focus on the day that I have been given:

First thing in the morning I have to take things very slowly and hold onto the wall or use my cane for balance.  It’s funny because each day I want to jump up and just start moving around and do the things I want, but then the dizziness reminds me that I won’t be doing that today – maybe tomorrow, I never want to give up hope.

After doing the morning ritual I have to let the dog, Scrappy, out for his morning ritual.  This is never fun because I have to go out with him because we don’t have a fenced in yard and I try to keep him close by so I can stand on the porch and hold onto the rail for support.  Most of the time he listens – well, that is until my speech started to slur and sometimes he just pretends he cannot hear me.  Of course, this leads to me yelling at him in the meanest slurred voice that I can manage and he looks at me like “oh – you were yelling at me, fine I’ll come in”.  

Now that the morning ritual is completed for both me and Scrappy I am now tired and just need to sit down and get some energy before eating breakfast.

The rest of the day goes about the same.  Some days my dizziness is mild enough that I can do more things around the house.  I have never been the best house keeper in the world, but now it all depends on how much I am staggering around.  If I am to dizzy and staggering it is best to sit down and read or crochet or watch TV, but on the days it is mild I work up a frenzy and do everything I possibly can.  The bad thing about those days is that I pay for it later that evening or the next several days.  My body lets me know that I can only do so much now and that is not fun to accept.

I miss out on things now that I would love to take part in.  Maybe it is one of my bad days, or there is going to be loud music – I am very sensitive to sound and the loud music triggers my symptoms, or there is going to be a lot of walking and I don’t want to burden people because I am going slow, or, or, or, – there are many reasons that I miss out and I really hate them all!  Each time I miss out I worry that people are going to think I am antisocial, or just lazy.  Most of all I feel bad for, Mike, because if I miss out he does too. 

I am writing this all out because it is hard for me to understand, much less my family and friends, or people who have not met me, but are interested in Erin’s Dizzyland.  I thank each of you for your support and encouragement and interest.

Each day brings new opportunities and new challenges.  When I first started getting symptomatic I prayed so hard to go back to normal, to not feel the way that I do.  I have changed my look on that though; if I only want to go back to the way things USED to be than it will make each day even harder.  When I thought that way I was not able to face each new day with an open mind – I struggled very hard because I wanted my old life back.

Life now is definitely different – the challenges I face have made me laugh, cry, scream and fall down, but that is okay.  My mindset has changed so that for the most part I try to not dwell on the way life used to be, but to realize that this is my life now.  Some days it is easier than others and that is okay also. 

We all face challenges in our life and I think so much depends on how we face those challenges that helps us or hurts us.  When we refuse to see the good and only want things to go back to the way they used to be it hurts us.  I am not saying that we should give up hope – I am saying that we should be willing to accept change in our life and try to find the good in it.

My symptoms come and go; in the morning I am better than in the evening; when I am tired everything gets worse.  But I am alive – everyday I get a chance to live life to the fullest – I get to see and talk to the people that I love – I get to snuggle with my fur babies – I get to crochet – I get to laugh – there are things that I get to do, it may not be what I used to do, but it is more than some have and I will take that.